Tag Archives: stress

Being Stuck and Getting Unstuck: A work in progress

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I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And not a lot of picture taking. Let me allow my spirit animal to illustrate this post.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And not a lot of picture taking. Let me allow my spirit animal to illustrate this post.

Last week I tweeted: “Is it possible to have ‘life block’ instead of just writers block?” after waking up from another accidentally long nap and crying at the thought of having to get out of bed and do my homework. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m 26 years old, with no major problems in life, and I laid in bed and I cried. About homework. And though I find it deeply embarrassing, I share this because it helps to illustrate my point.

Everyone has had writer’s block, and so it is an easy to understand analogy. You want to write. You need to write. But you can’t. You change your settings. You talk to people about it. You drink a lot of coffee, but when you sit down… nothing happens. And that’s how my whole life feels lately. Like I keep trying, but there is this huge wall in between me and getting things done. And I am the wall.

One of the more frustrating parts of all this, is that I can’t even seem to get self care right, even though I know that’s really the key for me when times get tough. For me, self care at the most basic level is working out and eating food that doesn’t make me feel terrible.

Sometimes it is guilt over the time it takes to do those things, although I’m sure if you combined the time I waste online it would be more than enough to cook food and work out. Sometimes I forget to eat when I’m “in the zone,” and end up making terrible choices later. But honestly, (and believe me the water works really let loose when I had this thought) lately it just feels like eating and sleeping are the only “fun” parts of my day, and so when I do them, I might as well just do them big.

Which is stupid. Really, really dumb.

Because, in the end, eating terrible food and taking long naps never makes me feel better. Skipping the gym to nap never makes me feel better. And I would like to objectively call bullshit on the voice in my brain that says there are no other good parts in my day. Sure, 85% of the things on my “To-Do” list are difficult, but those aren’t the only things that happen in a day.  It is just easy for me to kind of wallow, especially when I get “stuck” and consequently behind, overwhelmed and momentarily hopeless.

I’m not depressed. I find joy in a lot of things, and if it was possible to give me a “free day” without this ugly, overdue “To Do” list looming, then I would have fun.

Always applicable.

Always applicable, but not necessarily the issue today. Or maybe not 100% of the issue.

I remember having these same frustrations at the same point last semester. The time between midterms and finals, when the days get shorter and the work gets harder, and my student loan money starts to run out, and I get sick all the time and baking cookies at midnight really does seem like the best way to solve a complicated biostatistics problem. This year there is the added stress of my comprehensive exam in December, securing a practicum and convincing someone that they would love to help turn me into an employable public health professional, and figuring out where I’m going to be a year from now.

I say all that just to come back to the truth that none of those are good excuses not to take care of myself on a basic level. Life will always be happening, and there will always be some part of my day that I’m not thrilled to do. But in two months when everything is finished, this body that I’m walking around with is still going to be here, and it is not going to respond well to a diet of couch sitting and french fry dinner.

I’m tempted to apologize to anyone who is reading this thinking “OK BUT WHERE ARE THE RECIPES?”. But the truth is that, my lack of posting isn’t because I’ve lost interest, it is just because I have all this other stuff filling my brain right now, and it is relevant because the food and exercise parts of life don’t exist in a vacuum, at least not for me.

And now.. I’m off to do things! (Seriously! Hopefully!)

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” –Arthur Rubinstein

What up, what’s haapnin’

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I'm one of those women who likes to mark major life changes by chopping off their hair or some other hasty "fashion" choice. This time, I celebrated the end of the semester with some bleach and the "ombre" style - google it, I promise i didn't make it up.

I'm one of those women who likes to mark major life changes by chopping off their hair or some other hasty "fashion" choice. This time, I celebrated the end of the semester with some bleach and the "ombre" style - google it, I promise i didn't make it up.

So, my plans to jump back into “normal” life after finals didn’t go exactly as planned, mostly because I’m wrapping up my year-long project at work, which ended up being a little more complicated than planned. Anyone who saw my tweet about crying and eating cupcakes at work.. well, the printer for my publication told me at the last minute that they wouldn’t be able to get my publication to me on time.

Panic! Doom! Refined sugar in the break room!

It all worked out, but it has been a rough few days to say the least. I’m feeling so much better about life in general today. I’m more of a daily-deadline person rather than a looming project-person, and so being able to finally wrap up school and work is making me feel about 5,000 lbs lighter. Unfortunately, in an attempt to fix some oatmeal cookies I (way) oversalted, it is more like 4,995lbs lighter after I accidentally “taste-tested” my way through an oatmeal cookie lunch. Oh well, bloggers love oatmeal, right?

I rarely wish that I had a more anonymous blog, because if I really want to share information it just takes some careful consideration and the right words.  But, even though my summer/beyond job search has taken over my life lately,  I feel like it would be unwise to really dish about it. Although, I can say that my journey has taken me from a meeting with someone who was appointed by the governor all the way to someone who was literally bouncing on an exercise ball while we talked.

In contrast with last year, when NO ONE would call me back, I’ve gotten a lot of “bites” this time around. Maybe it is the economy or maybe it is the half-Masters degree, I’m not sure, but after  several interviews and  some follow up writing samples.. I have no real matches yet. I’m hoping to secure something soon so that I can stop fantasizing about being one of those Extreme Couponers. 

This weekend I am sooooo excited to be going to ATL with my BFFKatie to see Donald Glover AKA Childish Gambino. He will be performing stand up and his music, and I saw on Tumblr where he sometimes takes his shirt off during performances, so there is always that too.

You might recognize him as Troy from "Community." Photo from the Village Voice.

You might recognize him as Troy from "Community." Photo from the Village Voice.

She and I both need to get away for a little bit, and we are long overdue for a ladies’ trip. Watch out, Hotlanta!

Anyone have big Cinco De Mayo plans? I racked my brain trying to come up with a new recipe, but since I make Mexican food all the time it was hard to think of an original, low-effort dish that I could make with the limited groceries in my kitchen. 

I am not stressed. My brain is stressed. Repeat.

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I feel like my weekend may have caused a “rebounding effect,” you know when you stop taking a medicine and the symptoms you were treating come back worse than they were before?  But, I’m trying to be mindful in spite of feeling pretty brainless sometimes.

When I’m stuck somewhere or in some situation that isn’t conducive to getting stuff done (like in rush hour traffic or trying to navigate the copy machine that hates me) to practice some of the techniques I learned in biofeedback: Breathe. Relax your shoulders. I am not stressed. My brain is stressed. Breathe.

I think it helps, even if only to slow my brain long enough to think about something besides how irritated I am.

My weekend away was pretty amazing, and it felt like as soon as I got to Jubilee, I was calmer. That got me thinking that maybe it isn’t my brain that is freaking out so much as a normal reaction to being burned out. Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of saying no to the most time consuming parts of my life (and I wouldn’t want to), so I need to come up with a better stress management plan that doesn’t involve traveling out of state every weekend.

But plans take time, and I’m short on that until maybe the weekend. Or May. Or May 2012.

So, in the absence of a real post, here are some of my favorite photos from this weekend:

 

I love the colors of this room. I stayed in a guest apartment during my visit.

I love the colors of this room. I stayed in a guest apartment during my visit.

Doesn't this make you feel more relaxed already? This was the porch of the house, which was beside the cows. It is nice to eat breakfast listening to the sounds of the animals who helped put your meal on the table: cows and chickens. Which are both great natural alarm clocks, by the way.

Doesn't this make you feel more relaxed already? This was the porch of the house, which was beside the cows. It is nice to eat breakfast listening to the sounds of the animals who helped put your meal on the table: cows and chickens. Which are both great natural alarm clocks, by the way.

On Saturday we went out for a ladies-only birthday at a taqueria in town. Mmm Mexican food.

On Saturday we went out for a ladies-only birthday at a taqueria in town. Mmm Mexican food.

Stephen, who still lives at Jubilee, and Ina, who was visiting from Germany. It was a reunion of volunteers from my term last last fall.

Stephen, who still lives at Jubilee, and Ina, who was visiting from Germany. It was a reunion of volunteers from my term last last fall.

I love these yellow flowers.

I love these yellow flowers.

Saturday night, the birthday celebration continued with tamales and horchata.

Saturday night, the birthday celebration continued with tamales and horchata.

Sunday I spent time with Sai Meh and Htun Hla's family. They were my students when I was a volunteer, and they are still at Jubilee while he continues cancer treatment. Say Meh was showing off her missing teeth.

Sunday I spent time with Sai Meh and Htun Hla's family. They were my students when I was a volunteer, and they are still at Jubilee while he continues cancer treatment. Say Meh was showing off her missing teeth.

Say Meh helped us make samosas with her mom, Sai Meh.

Say Meh helped us make samosas with her mom, Sai Meh.

While the ladies made samosa, Beh Reh played the "OMG How much fun is it to throw my jacket in the air and catch it"-game. That is what this is a picture of. This is how happy I was to be there too.

While the ladies made samosa, Beh Reh played the "OMG How much fun is it to throw my jacket in the air and catch it"-game. That is what this is a picture of. This is how happy I was to be there too.

 

Ok, I’m off to class, but head over to Eunice’s blog and read my (and her) first ever guest post: The Big Booty Running Philosophy!

 

 

That girl needs help!

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Moneen doesn't care if you call her fat either. I promise to take pictures of something besides cats soon. And stop being lazy and upload them.

Moneen doesn't care if you call her fat either. I promise to take pictures of something besides cats soon. And stop being lazy and upload them.

And by that girl, I mean me. And by help, I’m referring to all the appointments I’ve been to lately to try to get my stuff together. Last Friday, I went to my last dietitian appointment for a while. I think I was less frustrating this time because I told her I had decided to follow her advice and tackle my stress level instead of food issues right now.

Things are getting better though. I’ve switched from cereal snacks to almonds and fruit. I’ve started getting more carbs in my diet, but I’m still lacking consistency.  That is one thing I’m not stressing about right now, because I think that is slowly working itself out.

Yesterday, I went to my first biofeedback appointment. If you have no idea what that means, don’t feel bad. I didn’t either until I went. Apparently, there are lots of types of biofeedback, but my appointment focused on pulse (I think) via a sensor attached to my ear and connected to the computer, which gave a read out of my pulse and my sympathetic nervous system response to stressful topics and muscle pain. After the initial measurement, the guy administering the test said I was very anxious. Well, yeah! I could have told you that.

The point was to monitor my pulse to see if I could utilize mental exercises and relaxation techniques to lower my body’s response to stress. I did OK.  We went through some breathing and thought-process stuff that reminded me a lot of my meditation practice. Stop thinking about the present. Stop thinking about the past. Stop trying to control the stress/pain/whatever, but observe it. Acknowledge that your brain is thinking you are stressed, but that doesn’t have to affect my response.

That was all really great yesterday when life was just regular, but today was pretty awful. Thinking, “My brain is thinking that it wants to yank someone’s weave out, but I don’t really want to do that,” or “I’m observing how much I want to blow up my laptop, but I’m not going to try to control those feelings,” didn’t really work, but I’m willing to keep giving it a shot tomorrow.

One highlight to my day was a conversation with a class friend from Nigeria. She told me I should stop worrying about things falling into place, because if I followed my heart, everything great would happen. She actually said I was too young to worry about that stuff, like so young I “should still be breast feeding.” She also may have said in an unrelated conversation, “She should be flogged on the behind!” which is the Nigerian equivalent of weave pulling, I think. It made me laugh.

Also, this is unrelated, but if I don’t get the wonky spacing fixed on this layout, I may have to break my promise and change my WP theme.

Piecing together more elements of good days

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Sullen cowgirl Moneen is the official mascot for all my October blogs.

Sullen Cowgirl Moneen is the official mascot for all my October blogs.

I know everyone in my life and reading my blog is sick of hearing about how hard life is right now, so I promise to keep this part very short. Even after a few days off last week for fall break, I still started fuh-reaking out yesterday, and maybe I should clarify that most of my freak outs involve me feeling like I am insane rather than actually doing insane things.  My anxiety is more likely to cause me to not do anything rather than to do something idiotic. Yesterday, it was a combination of finishing a huge-ass paper, being a hypochondriac, not much sleep and lots and lots of caffeine. Buzz buzz buzzing through life, yet again.

After school, I came home and flung myself into bed very dramatically, called Carlton to whine but then still couldn’t nap it off.  So I got up, put my big girl pants on, and did the most normal thing I could think of: watching Glee with my roommate. Neither of us are Glee fans, but it was on and it was so normal.

Carlton called to tell me he was getting off work and to check up on me, and then he started babbling about google maps. Huh? He told me I should look outside to see the shape my lawn makes from above or something. Yeah, ok. Sorry I can’t think about your crazy conspiracy theories right now because I’m busy moping. But honestly, this type of conversation is not really out of character, because he is a secret nerd.

I looked out my window to check on this “mysterious shape” and saw some dude on the lawn. I told C I couldn’t just stand in my window staring out at people or else they would think I was looking at them. Seriously, my neighbors already think I’m a freak show for the way I pop up in the window every time they happen to be outside. It is a coincidence, I swear.

“Lizzie, that’s me.” He had come to surprise me and get me out of my GrimLizzie funk! For those of you who don’t know, our time together is sometimes  infrequent since he lives an hour away and works a different schedule than me.

But,  it is sad when your significant other believes without questioning that you would have figured out some conspiracy theory about your apartment based on google maps. And sad that I didn’t recognize him and Charlotte standing on my lawn. But AWESOME that I had someone to help me get my mind off me for a while. We went to Mellow Mushroom to get my favorite pizza of all time, the Cosmic Karma. No pictures because my mind just wasn’t there, but imagine feta + pesto + tomatoes + sun dried tomatoes + spinach. I may need to replicate this at home.

And today was good even though I had to actually do things. School, work and homework ,and I still managed to peel my ass off the couch and go for a quick work out and relaxation yoga class. This was probably the first yoga class I’ve really enjoyed, and it makes me want to find time to add more to my gym schedule.  I didn’t even have any food-related freak outs, so I think this goes down as a good day.

I don’t have stats today because I’m still trying to figure out where numbers and counting fit into my life. I’ll have an update on how (kind of) not food logging worked last week soon. I really appreciate all the support I’ve gotten from my real life people and my blogger world people.

In an effort to thank you all, I present ANOTHER cat photo. …

Sullen Cowgirl Moneen says, "Sometimes you just have to find an escape route."

Sullen Cowgirl Moneen says, "Sometimes you just have to find an escape route."

That time again… Wednesday check in

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This picture is NOT unrelated. This picture is reminding to you take a cat nap. Or maybe it is saying, "Hey, sometimes life can get you really twisted up," or maybe it is taunting you to action saying, "Hey slacker, I bet you don't do this pose in yoga!"

This picture is NOT unrelated. This picture is reminding to you take a cat nap. Or maybe it is saying, "Hey, sometimes life can get you really twisted up," or maybe it is taunting you to action saying, "Hey slacker, I bet you don't do this pose in yoga!"

My goals this week aren’t about weight loss or work outs. My life goals this week, in order of importance, have been: 1.  Stay sane, 2. Get my school work done,  3.  Sleep and 4. Work out. Somehow, it really snuck up on me that I had something due in every class this week (and also next week, fun!), and I just hadn’t adequately planned for all the work that needed to be done.

It would be stupid for me to use the excuse that I don’t have time to work out, because even though I have a lot going on right now, there are people with a lot more responsibilities than me who stay on track with their work outs.  So, I’m not using an excuse. If this is the way my life was every week then I would need to re-evaluate my plan and make better time, or I would need to quit something. Fortunately, I think that once I get past next week and get caught up, things should be returning to a level of business that I can handle.

I think it is even more important to stick to a good food plan on days (or weeks) when working out isn’t my primary focus. I tend to eat better when I’m working out more, for a million reasons. So, I have to be careful that when I’m not working out so much that doesn’t mean I stop focusing on healthy eating.

Anyway, the fun part…

Stats

Work outs: 4 days/255 minutes of cardio + UPST/Abs
Average daily calories: 1654

(This is the first week of being “off” from stepping on the scale. Every-other-week weigh ins start next week for all you number people.)

Last Week’s Goals:

  • Do one thing that is stress relieving, and for these purposes working out, shopping and gin don’t count. 50% – I got to see my friends and family, and that makes me happy if not less stressed.
  • Get more sleep, get more morning work outs, C25K Week 7. 30% Clearly I made this goal without realizing how much work needed to be done this week.
  • Be better about following the meal plan I was given, so I don’t end up too low or too high. 50% – I had less really high/low days, but I’m still about 150 calories over my plan. I did make a recipe the nutritionist gave me, so I think that gets me extra points. And I have been trying to eat a better variety of foods.

Goals for next week:

  • Food log in a timely manner. I’m usually pretty good at this, but I’ve had a hard time remembering this week, and that can lead to overeating.
  • Run. Anywhere, anytime. Just get it done.
  • Sleep. Why do I have to set a goal to do something that I really love and think about all day? Well, because sleeping an adequate amount at night means better planning during the day so that I’m not up until all hours of the night trying to finish homework. A lot of my problems can be solved by better planning.

So, after tomorrow afternoon, stress from school will be on hold until I decide to start my weekend homework. And after Friday afternoon, I will be free from my weekly duties and hopefully get to take a deep breath.

Obviously, working out is a great form of stress relief for me, but I wanted to take pressure off meeting the “numbers” aspect.  Sometimes “not being crazy” takes a lot of work.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!! Tell me how you stay sane when your schedule gets overloaded? Do you worry about fitting in work outs?