I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And not a lot of picture taking. Let me allow my spirit animal to illustrate this post.

Last week I tweeted: “Is it possible to have ‘life block’ instead of just writers block?” after waking up from another accidentally long nap and crying at the thought of having to get out of bed and do my homework. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m 26 years old, with no major problems in life, and I laid in bed and I cried. About homework. And though I find it deeply embarrassing, I share this because it helps to illustrate my point.

Everyone has had writer’s block, and so it is an easy to understand analogy. You want to write. You need to write. But you can’t. You change your settings. You talk to people about it. You drink a lot of coffee, but when you sit down… nothing happens. And that’s how my whole life feels lately. Like I keep trying, but there is this huge wall in between me and getting things done. And I am the wall.

One of the more frustrating parts of all this, is that I can’t even seem to get self care right, even though I know that’s really the key for me when times get tough. For me, self care at the most basic level is working out and eating food that doesn’t make me feel terrible.

Sometimes it is guilt over the time it takes to do those things, although I’m sure if you combined the time I waste online it would be more than enough to cook food and work out. Sometimes I forget to eat when I’m “in the zone,” and end up making terrible choices later. But honestly, (and believe me the water works really let loose when I had this thought) lately it just feels like eating and sleeping are the only “fun” parts of my day, and so when I do them, I might as well just do them big.

Which is stupid. Really, really dumb.

Because, in the end, eating terrible food and taking long naps never makes me feel better. Skipping the gym to nap never makes me feel better. And I would like to objectively call bullshit on the voice in my brain that says there are no other good parts in my day. Sure, 85% of the things on my “To-Do” list are difficult, but those aren’t the only things that happen in a day.  It is just easy for me to kind of wallow, especially when I get “stuck” and consequently behind, overwhelmed and momentarily hopeless.

I’m not depressed. I find joy in a lot of things, and if it was possible to give me a “free day” without this ugly, overdue “To Do” list looming, then I would have fun.

Always applicable, but not necessarily the issue today. Or maybe not 100% of the issue.

I remember having these same frustrations at the same point last semester. The time between midterms and finals, when the days get shorter and the work gets harder, and my student loan money starts to run out, and I get sick all the time and baking cookies at midnight really does seem like the best way to solve a complicated biostatistics problem. This year there is the added stress of my comprehensive exam in December, securing a practicum and convincing someone that they would love to help turn me into an employable public health professional, and figuring out where I’m going to be a year from now.

I say all that just to come back to the truth that none of those are good excuses not to take care of myself on a basic level. Life will always be happening, and there will always be some part of my day that I’m not thrilled to do. But in two months when everything is finished, this body that I’m walking around with is still going to be here, and it is not going to respond well to a diet of couch sitting and french fry dinner.

I’m tempted to apologize to anyone who is reading this thinking “OK BUT WHERE ARE THE RECIPES?”. But the truth is that, my lack of posting isn’t because I’ve lost interest, it is just because I have all this other stuff filling my brain right now, and it is relevant because the food and exercise parts of life don’t exist in a vacuum, at least not for me.

And now.. I’m off to do things! (Seriously! Hopefully!)

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” –Arthur Rubinstein