In the time that I was away, I also put in a lot of work on myself. I realized that as my last semester of graduate school was coming to an end, it was time to make some tough choices. Like, really, really tough. Like, “fork in the road”- tough. Like, “what do you want the rest of your life to look like”- tough.

So, in the spirit of self improvement and free campus mental health resources – I went back to therapy. And then, as if that wasn’t making me feel enough feelings - I started group therapy to learn how to talk about my feelings. With a room full of people. Out loud. And, because I was back home more often, I went back to church and the lessons I got there encouraged me to work through even more “stuff” that I’ve been carrying around for a long time. It was there that some of my “But, why…?” questions were answered, and that’s not a small piece of the puzzle for me.

If it sounds exhausting.. well, it kind of was, but it was a good kind of exhausting. I’ve started to recognize the root of some of my issues, especially those with food, body image and, ultimately, self esteem.  I’m not fixed, but I had moments of clarity that are helping me get rid of a lot of baggage. And most importantly, I realized that I had to stop passively waiting for my thoughts and actions to correct themselves and I had to wake up every single, freaking morning and make a choice that I was going to work on it. 

Along with blogging, I also made a decision to stop dating or attempting to date during my last semester of graduate school. It was a much needed dating detox, and for the first time in a long time (10 years?) I didn’t even have any half-boyfriends or on-again, off-again boyfriends to make my brain fuzzy.

Taking some time to be selfish in that way felt awesome. But, I knew that there was a deadline for my detox, and so in typically impatient style, I decided to put myself back out on the market almost immediately after my last exam. At first, the universe just kind of shrugged at my declaration of being ready.  But then right on time, I met someone that I think is pretty awesome who thinks I’m cool too. We are taking things slooooow, which I think includes not putting him on blast on my blog. But, it is still pretty exciting news in my world.

And to wrap up, I moved home and I’m currently working part time for the company I interned for. I’d love it if that turned into a full time, rock star career, but in the event that it doesn’t happen, I’m looking for a public health job in the Charlotte area. (Ahem, universe, I’m ready.)

Oh! And I graduated!

ZenLizzie, Master of Public Health – Health Promotion, Education and Behavior. 

Between an internship, a graduate assistantship, grad school, job hunting, friends, family, church, healthy living stuff like…working out and occasionally sleeping, I already feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day. I know there are some people who are much busier than me and still manage to write quality posts, but for now, I can’t commit to doing that. I’d rather purposefully not blog than haphazardly try to maintain it “just because.”

And so, rather than trying to force myself to write things that are uninspired just for the sake of doing it, I want to take a step back and allow myself to take this off my “to do list” for now. I anticipate returning eventually when I’m more inspired and less over-scheduled, and I’ll continue to comment on other people’s blogs, and check in on twitter and facebook. Also, feel free to email me at zenlizzie[at]gmail[dot]com.

Management, evaluation and environment - I guess flashcards aren't a very advanced studying technique, but until someone gets me and iPad, these are the best way for me to study while waiting in line at the post office or doing cardio at the gym.

This may sound crazy, but studying for exams has been surprisingly relaxing. Not the actual studying or exam taking, since ya know.. grad school ain’t cheap and I’d like to graduate sometime this decade, but being able to clear my calendar for designated “Study Time” and “Break Time.”

I’ve also had the opportunity to spend a lot more quality time with my friends and family in the last two weeks, and that really means a lot. I guess it is the season of gatherings, out of town visitors and commiserating study groups.

This week, my semester exams are done and now I’m reviewing for my OMG-Big Mama-Comprehensive Exam. Tomorrow, I’ll sit in an icy computer lab for hours, cranking out essays about public health program planning, theory and evaluation. And then? I’ll wait to see if I get to graduate in May. I’m happy to report that I’m almost finished wrapping up the loose ends for my field placement next semester. I can’t say much about it, but I’m excited to do something new and to work on a program addressing health disparities, which is one of my main areas of interest.

But, Ok, enough about school…

Last week I baked my mom's oatmeal-coconut Christmas cookie recipe for Kat's cookie swap. It is hard to explain why these are so good, but really they are so. good.

It isn't the holiday season without cookies and festive booze.

Yesterday, my friend from my FloMo days, Michael came to visit. We went to the Body Worlds Vital Exhibit at the SC State Museum. I know this is going to sound either nerdy or disturbing depending on how well you know me, but..It was really interesting to see what disease looks like inside the body.

Photography wasn't allowed in the exhibit, but lucky for you, we have these other charming photos of our day.

I’ve also being trying to get in the holiday spirit as much as possible by surrounding myself with glittery things lit by twinkle lights. It helps!

Sparkly trees fight S.A.D.! Try it.

And I’m really excited to announce that I was chosen as a grand prize winner for the “Lee Brother Your Holiday Recipe” contest from the Lee Brothers and the SC Department of Agriculture. They wanted recipes that used local ingredients, so I submitted my vegetarian collard recipe and won my category! My family is amused by this because growing up I hated collards, and now I’m spreading my love for greens all across the state.

And now.. I’m off to get in some movement and relaxation (cardio and yoga!) before I have to go back to studying!

Well, clearly, the second option. I mean, that’s really the only option, right? I think that my mindfulness classes (which have sadly come to an end ) gave me the skills to realize that some things needed to be done and some things would have to wait. Homework? Work? Time with friends? Crucial. Obsessively worrying about new blog posts? That could wait until later. And, I know there isn’t a single reader who wants me to fail grad school just to keep my blog content fresh.

So, to check in and offer some proof of life..

I went to Tennessee with these awesome people. Pigeon Forge, Gatlinburg, Cades Cove and Knoxville. It was a really relaxing, fun trip.

See, here is kind of proof that I was there.

Meanwhile..

The collards are the only thing in the garden right now. Oh, and a ton of gourds. Because everyone needs 10-15 decorative gourds.

For Thanksgiving, I made this crumb-topped apple pie.

Probably not the lightest apple pie I've ever eaten, but very good.

Apple Pie Recipe

And also a baked spinach. Two jumbo bags of spinach weren't enough so I also chopped a big sweet potato and added about one serving of orzo pasta for bulk.

This was so good. This isn't the finished product, but you can see all the goodness here.

Baked Spinach Recipe

I attempted pretzels for the first time this week. They were pretty labor intensive, and my shapes were a little wonky, but I'm happy with how they turned out.

Bavarian Pretzel Recipe (similar to the one I used.)

I anticipate that the next two weeks are going to be busy with papers, exams, work… everything. I hope to return to a more regular posting/reading schedule after that because even though I lack the “blogger guilt” of being a “bad” blogger, I miss blogging and all my blogger friends.

So, Happy Belated Thanksgiving and I’ll return in a couple weeks with three-quarters of an MPH!! (Hopefully)

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And not a lot of picture taking. Let me allow my spirit animal to illustrate this post.

Last week I tweeted: “Is it possible to have ‘life block’ instead of just writers block?” after waking up from another accidentally long nap and crying at the thought of having to get out of bed and do my homework. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m 26 years old, with no major problems in life, and I laid in bed and I cried. About homework. And though I find it deeply embarrassing, I share this because it helps to illustrate my point.

Everyone has had writer’s block, and so it is an easy to understand analogy. You want to write. You need to write. But you can’t. You change your settings. You talk to people about it. You drink a lot of coffee, but when you sit down… nothing happens. And that’s how my whole life feels lately. Like I keep trying, but there is this huge wall in between me and getting things done. And I am the wall.

One of the more frustrating parts of all this, is that I can’t even seem to get self care right, even though I know that’s really the key for me when times get tough. For me, self care at the most basic level is working out and eating food that doesn’t make me feel terrible.

Sometimes it is guilt over the time it takes to do those things, although I’m sure if you combined the time I waste online it would be more than enough to cook food and work out. Sometimes I forget to eat when I’m “in the zone,” and end up making terrible choices later. But honestly, (and believe me the water works really let loose when I had this thought) lately it just feels like eating and sleeping are the only “fun” parts of my day, and so when I do them, I might as well just do them big.

Which is stupid. Really, really dumb.

Because, in the end, eating terrible food and taking long naps never makes me feel better. Skipping the gym to nap never makes me feel better. And I would like to objectively call bullshit on the voice in my brain that says there are no other good parts in my day. Sure, 85% of the things on my “To-Do” list are difficult, but those aren’t the only things that happen in a day.  It is just easy for me to kind of wallow, especially when I get “stuck” and consequently behind, overwhelmed and momentarily hopeless.

I’m not depressed. I find joy in a lot of things, and if it was possible to give me a “free day” without this ugly, overdue “To Do” list looming, then I would have fun.

Always applicable, but not necessarily the issue today. Or maybe not 100% of the issue.

I remember having these same frustrations at the same point last semester. The time between midterms and finals, when the days get shorter and the work gets harder, and my student loan money starts to run out, and I get sick all the time and baking cookies at midnight really does seem like the best way to solve a complicated biostatistics problem. This year there is the added stress of my comprehensive exam in December, securing a practicum and convincing someone that they would love to help turn me into an employable public health professional, and figuring out where I’m going to be a year from now.

I say all that just to come back to the truth that none of those are good excuses not to take care of myself on a basic level. Life will always be happening, and there will always be some part of my day that I’m not thrilled to do. But in two months when everything is finished, this body that I’m walking around with is still going to be here, and it is not going to respond well to a diet of couch sitting and french fry dinner.

I’m tempted to apologize to anyone who is reading this thinking “OK BUT WHERE ARE THE RECIPES?”. But the truth is that, my lack of posting isn’t because I’ve lost interest, it is just because I have all this other stuff filling my brain right now, and it is relevant because the food and exercise parts of life don’t exist in a vacuum, at least not for me.

And now.. I’m off to do things! (Seriously! Hopefully!)

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” –Arthur Rubinstein

I have far too many snapshots of food and future food.

So, ever since I set my goal to get at least five servings of fruits and vegetables every day, I haven’t really had to overhaul what I eat, but I’ve been more mindful to pick those when given the choice. I make sure to keep fruit around at work for a snack, and I’ve been making sure that my Monday-food is packed with vegetables. Since I was too poor to keep doing WW online, I’ve been using SparkPeople. Along with their nutrition, water and work out trackers, they also have this handy Fruit/Vegetable servings tracker.

Ta da!

This week I made extra vegetarian groundnut stew (aka my favorite food) for Sunday dinner, so I’m off the hook today to do other stuff like.. work, school, meetings, and er… blogging.

A few weeks ago, I asked twitter for some soup ideas, and Tina from Faith, Fitness and Fun replied with this recipe for Tortellini Soup. I made a few changes to make it vegetarian, but I have to say it was really good! I knew I was going to save this soup for later in the week, so I used kale in place of spinach since it is a heartier green. I replaced the chicken broth and sausage with vegetable broth, extra kale, carrots and herbs like rosemary and thyme.

Vegetarian Cheese Tortellini Soup

Tortellini soup with vegetables and more vegetables.

For nutritional info for this version, visit my Spark Recipe page. This recipe is 5 WW+ points if you calculate with the vegetables.

I decided to expand my squash consumption to spaghetti squash for some variety. This one I baked until it was soft.

I scooped out at the spaghetti-ish part of the squash and spread in in the baking pan. I tossed it with tomatoes, onions, garlic, bell pepper, Italian herbs and topped with cheese and 1/4 cup of bread crumbs. I’m not sure how long I baked it, but I left it in until the cheesey-top was browning.

Ok, this is super ugly and I haven't even bothered to write a real recipe. But it tastes good, I promise. You can get your fix for Italian flavors without eating mountains of actual spaghetti.

I really liked both of these make-ahead dishes more than I expected I would, and I will make them again.

And, because I am such a dedicated blogger, and because I walked around the S.C. State Fair telling my friends “I want to eat something WEIRD!” …  I present.. Deep Fried Kool-Aid.

My friend commented that they looked like peeps. Or dead birds. They kind of did, I'm not sure why they were shaped that way, or if they were supposed to look like something else.

The verdict: Deep Fried Kool-Aid tastes like strawberry pound cake, fried and covered in sugar/Kool Aid dust. I think they must have dipped some kind of dough into Kool Aid, or made it with Kool Aid.

You have to make crazy eyes when you are about to eat something like this.

I ate this so you don’t have to. We all split the order, and although it wasn’t terrible, none of us were hankering for more. The next time you’re at a fair, look for something else weird to eat.

This is a picture of BFFKatie and me on the ride that takes you over the fair. You can't see our faces, but we were having the "Hmm, what if this ride can't handle the weight of all these people eating deep fried Snickers bars?"conversation and freaking ourselves out. Also, this lovely picture was taken by Tisha and stolen by me off Facebook. The SC State Fair never looked so sparkly.

I don't typically gush over things I've made, but these were pretty much the best.

I don’t know how seriously anyone takes what I say here most of the time. Which is good, because most of the time you shouldn’t. But, I’m serious when I say that you need to make these muffins. After one too many baking fails when I tried to make up recipes, I vowed to start following recipes, at least when I expect other people to eat my food.

This weekend I had out of town guests, and I thought it would be nice to make something they could have as a snack or quick breakfast. Instead of trying to make something up, I found this recipe from Cooking Light for Pumpkin-Cranberry Muffins. I made a shopping list and everything. Except… well, when I got home I didn’t have the cranberries I thought I did.. and I kind of thought nuts would be good.. and.. so yeah, I ended up making a few substitutions on their base pumpkin recipe. I just can’t help myself, and apparently I cannot follow directions.

• I substituted Splenda for the granulated sugar in the recipe because I figured with the 1/2 cup of brown sugar, it would still be sweet enough. If you use regular sugar, I’d recommend cutting back to 1/2 cup or 3/4 cup, depending on how sweet you want your muffins.
• I used some walnuts I had on hand in place of the cranberries. This was the best decision. You could use any nuts, or omit, but I think they made the texture perfect.
• I topped the final muffins with a tiny bit of cinnamon/sugar/walnut/butter mixture that I had left over from a test run of cinnamon rolls I didn’t end up making. This is totally optional, but it is pretty. And delicious.

These pumpkin muffins are soft, sweet and filling. You will not regret adding this recipe to your collection!

I love fall. (Photo By Melissa Farlow/National Geographic)

This may be short and/or rambling, but I wanted to share this  while it was on my mind. This was the “voice” today in my Verse and Voice email:

“I vow to offer joy to one person in the morning
And to relieve the grief of one person in the afternoon.
I vow to live simply and sanely,
Content with a few possessions.
I vow to keep my body healthy.
I vow to let go of all worries and anxieties
In order to be light and free.”

-Plum Village, A Verse from Plum Village’s, Thich Nhat Hanh’s Buddhist community in France, chanting book

I love this. I love the connection of health, letting go of anxiety and living simply.  I want to copy this down and tape it up in all my “probable freak out zones” – work, the car, that place in my wallet where money is supposed to be.

I haven’t had many huge breakthroughs yet during my daily meditation “homework” from my class, and for my challenge to myself. That is probably because, well, those things take a while and most of the time I begin them begrudgingly, but end thinking about how glad I am that I took 15 minutes to do them. But, last night I was doing a guided body scan exercise and had a light bulb moment.

Laura, my instructor and also the voice on the recording, said to be “with” a part of the body – not thinking about how it appeared, but sitting with it and being OK with how it existed. The way that it was at the moment was perfect. This meant so much more than just being at peace with how my back – or whatever body part it was – existed. I realized that I’d been missing the point of mindfulness. I realized I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my restless emotions, rather than being with them.

I’m a great observer and analyzer, and all this time I’ve considered mindfulness in my terms. I could examine what I was feeling, and judge it to be OK, rather than experiencing it and being OK. I’ve been perceiving that I was stressed, or lonely, or whatever, and I could intellectually tell myself that those were OK things to feel, but I’m not sure I was really buying it. I wasn’t allowing myself to have those feelings without judgement, and I definitely wasn’t judging them to be perfect.

So, that is something I’m going to keep working on, because I living “simply and sanely” sounds like a great goal to me.

My friends Leslie and Caleb were married Saturday at Jubilee. They chose this spot for the ceremony and I think it was perfect.

I spent the last few days at Jubilee. I went a few days before my friends Leslie and Caleb’s wedding to hang out with them before they had back up North. Getting to spend time with my friends who live there and those who came from far away for the wedding was perfect. It was really just what I needed after two weeks of work/school/life chaos, and the wedding was beautiful.

I took a million pictures this weekend, so bear with me on this picture-heavy post.

Spending time with the bride before the wedding was one of my favorite times. It was a very peaceful "backstage." I can't believe my little Lesliebo is growing up. Ina and Leslie and I met when we all volunteered there for the first time in Fall 2009. I really feel like they are my sisters, and whenever we come back together it is like we never left.

The ceremony's musical accompaniment. I never realized how awesome accordions are.

This was really the only picture I took during the ceremony. There were a million other people taking pictures, and I wanted to just enjoy the moment..but Caleb's face seeing Leslie walk down the aisle was just priceless. He's standing here with his parents, who, along with Leslie's parents, helped officiate the ceremony. The whole thing was just a perfect representation of their love and values.

Husband and wife! I first met Caleb when he and Leslie first began dating. She stayed on to volunteer for the term after ours, and he was a new volunteer. They left Jubilee, but came back here for the wedding because it was such a special place for them as individuals and a couple.

After the ceremony, we had a potluck reception. The food was great, as always. Only at Jubilee will you find flan, Burmese sticky rice blueberry pie on the same wedding menu.

One of my favorite foods from the wedding - tapioca in coconut milk.

For wedding favors, Caleb and Leslie made little jars of pickled vegetables. So cute.

After the couple had dinner with their family, we went out to celebrate in Athens. It was a good end to such a special day. We were pretty tired here and I think there were some tears being held back in this picture.

It was really so perfect for them, and I’m glad I got to be there with the during some of the planning and ceremony time. I can be a little cynical sometimes about relationships (haha surprise!), but seeing them together made it impossible to be anything but happy and hopeful. I’m trying not to have the “back to real life blues” and instead stay energized and motivated this week.

My weekend - tailgating! Health promotion ladies know how to party.

From my lack of posting, you should know that things are either going really well or really terrible. I would say it is kind of both. Life is good right now, but I’m mid-semester overwhelmed. Clearly, not enough to stay home on the weekends, but enough to freak out when it comes to adding the obligation of blogging on top of the obligation I’ve already invested the big bucks into.. grad school.

USC v. Auburn - we lost But the game was still fun!

So, I would say Aug./Sept. was a mixed bag. I did much better than anticipated, but I definitely can’t say I succeed. Although, I kind of expected that after things kind of fell apart in the middle of the month. I’m not beating myself up because that seems kind of pointless, and I honestly don’t have time to waste on that. I’m not abandoning the goal of making those habits stick, I’m just taking them with me into the next months.

So moving on to the two habits goals for October/November..

Healthy Habit: Eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables per day. I know this seems like an easy one because I honestly love fruits and vegetables. And when I have time to cook all my meals, I eat mostly fruits and vegetables. But… when I have weeks like last week or weekends like my last weekend.. I end up eating a more “traditional” American diet… starch + protein + sugar. And it makes me feel awful.

I love fall vegetables, and I think this is doable. By making it a “habit,” I want to keep track of the servings per day to keep myself accountable on the days when it isn’t as easy to get them in.

Lifestyle Habit: Do mindfulness practice. At least 5 minutes. Every single day. I just started a mindfulness meditation program at school. And I really love it. The first class, we talked about the importance of mindfulness and we did some guided meditations. Finding a place for that in my schedule was a great decision.

Part of the class is “homework” which is doing some mindfulness practice and recording it. Every day. That sounds like forming a habit to me! So I’m making that homework my blog homework too. Our instructor Laura calls it “dogged compassion.” She also said something in class that really resonated with me: “There is always more right with you than wrong in any given moment.” That’s worth remembering. You can follow her on facebook if you want some mindfulness inspiration.

What are your goals for the fall? Do you feel inspired by the changing season or nervous? I’m a mixture of both. I love the cooler weather, but I have a well documented hatred for the shorter days.