Category Archives: Life

Saying Goodbye

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Saying goodbye.

Saying goodbye.

As you may have seen on Twitter.. Sunday afternoon, my Dad told me that my grandmother Helen, who has been in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s and other health problems for about three years, wasn’t doing well. I got to the nursing home, held her hand and said by goodbyes, and about an hour later she passed away.

When someone dies at 91, the tragedy of death isn’t for the person who is gone, but for those who are left behind. When you lose a loved one to something like Alzheimer’s, the sadness begins a long time before they are gone. Was she comfortable? Did she feel lonely? Was she scared?

I probably didn’t inherit the genes that kept Helen’s hair from turning gray into her 90′s, but it is easy to see parts of her in my personality, and those qualities I’ll carry with me. We were both the shortest people in the room most of the time, and also the most stubborn. If you did something she didn’t like, she would let you know, and for better or worse, I’m the same way.  She’s the first person I remember showing interest in fitness – I remember doing the Jane Fonda aerobic record in her living room. Into her late 70’s, she was known for power walking around our town.

This week, I’ve been helping my family and going through all the motions of funeral preparation. There were tears, lots of food and stories, and also a healthy dose of inappropriate humor, because that’s how my family deals with things. Both of my grandfathers died when I was a child, and so this is my first adult experience with death. While I know there are no correct responses to loss, I have been mindful of my own experience, ranging from expected sadness to robotic coping. I prefer to deal with things alone, after ceremony and ritual is done, and so that’s why I kind of intentionally disappeared this week.

Thanks to everyone who has sent kind messages, thoughts and prayers this way. A week out of the work/school/etc. loop has left me feeling so behind, but I expect to be back to normal by next week.

Making it work: Tips for Weekly Lunch Prep

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This is a former lunch, but a good illustration of something I might be eating.

This is a former lunch, but a good illustration of something I might be eating.

So, if you know me even a little bit, you know I am not a type A personality. I like having a plan, but I also like wasting time and putting stuff in piles to lose later. When it comes down to it, I like having a schedule so that I know exactly how much time I have to lollygag before I have to get serious.

But, since school and work have started back, I knew I had to stop flying by the seat of my pants when it came to meals, so I’ve been making large batches of food to take as lunch and dinner.

I think without real food, it is easy to hit up the vending machine for food that I don’t feel good about and isn’t satisfying. Even in the school of public health, where we supposedly have  a “healthy side” of the vending machine, I don’t find huge nutritional differences between the “healthy snacks” and “regular snacks.” After, I’m still hungry and feeling guilty about wasting a $1 on a bag of baked potato chips.

This semester I crammed 32 hours of work and classes into a three day week. Yup, I know, pretty smart/stupid of me depending on which day it is. But you don’t have to have a four day weekend to do this. I tend to procrastinate until Monday evening to  prepare everything, and I’d say that excluding shopping time which you have to do anyway, actual time spent in the kitchen is only about an hour.

So far, I’ve lost about 9 pounds since I got home, from a combination of working out and meal planning. I thought I would share some of my tips in case you are looking for a way to save time and money during the work week.

Making it work: Weekly Lunch Prep Tips

1. Make food you actually want to eat. This is the most important part. Now isn’t the time to devote yourself to overly virtuous lunches. Yes, I know it seems like making yourself eat kale and tofu everyday for lunch would be a good plan. But it isn’t,  because you might make it the first day, but by the second day you will find yourself making any excuse to eat something else. You don’t want to have a sad lunch.

2. Don’t forget about your goals. Everyone has different needs for lunches. For me, I want something that is about 400 calories, contains vegetables and protein, and will keep me satisfied because my goal is weight loss.  Maybe you are looking to gain weight, maintain, eat more vegetables, save money… whatever. But you need to consider what you want before getting started.

3. Keep a list of meals that meet the requirements of #1 and #2. This can be a running list you keep, or recipes you’ve dog-earred in magazines. I think this helps me when I’m stumped at the grocery store. I usually only make two dishes per week, so it isn’t like you have to be super creative.

4. Be prepared. You’re going to need enough containers for your individual portions, something to carry it in, utensils to eat with, etc. I made the mistake last week of not packing any silverware with rice and beans. That’s not drinkable or appropriate finger food. It might help to keep a few extra (Clean!) forks/spoons at your work space or in your car depending on your day.

5. Make extra-extra. I’m often only cooking for one, but I tend to make recipes with 6 or more servings. If I make two dishes each week like this, I end up with extra servings to freeze later. So, as the semester gets busier, there will be weeks when I don’t have to cook at all because I’ve already got a week’s worth of meals frozen. This is also a good way to add variety to future week’s meal plans.

6. Think outside the box. I tend to make soups, curries, stir fries and other one-dish meals because.. well I already told you I’m lazy and I like them. But, I’ve had success making salads that kept well 2-3 days ahead just by waiting to add any wet ingredients. If you love sandwiches, you could also make something like chicken or tuna salad ahead of time.

7. Go halfsies. If you don’t want to make whole dishes ahead of time, take 30 minutes to chop, portion, or prepare parts of your favorite meals or snacks so that when you’re running late, you’re already halfway there. You could do this by making extra rice, pasta, sandwich spreads, chopped vegetables, etc.

So what are some ways you save time during the week? What are your favorite make-ahead or freezable dishes?

Bye bye, birthday month!

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I love cake with non edible things on it!

I love cake with non edible things on it!

I realized that I kind of stopped blogging about things I was doing. I swear that wasn’t because I stopped doing things. In fact, I think I’ve actually been doing more stuff in an attempt to put myself out there and say yes to social gatherings. But, now that my friends are tired of my blog and most of my readers aren’t real life friends yet,  I’m not sure how interesting these events would be to you. A back-to-school public health social? No. Alternacirque with belly dancing and lots of fire? Yeah, I probably should have thought to take better pictures there.

But the good news, is that slowly but surely I’m starting to feel like my old self. Even with some moments of very high stress in my personal life lately, I’ve still been able to keep my head on straight with a better routine and new habits. Unless you count the times when I just have to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling wondering, “How did I get here? Is this real life?” But maybe those moments have a place in my self-care plan too.

I would give myself a B+ on my first real week of cutting out nighttime snacking. Most of the problems come from poor planning. Having a last meal at 6, then working out til 10, and staying up until 2 doesn’t really work. But, this week I’m looking for high protein, low calorie snacks that I can have immediately after the gym. That way, I’m getting the right recovery foods without it turning into a snackfest.

As for the other lifestyle habit, I’m doing well when it comes to things I have to do. Setting alarms on my computer and phone is helping me keep track of appointments. But I need to be better about scheduling time to read for school rather than just putting it off until I run out of time.

I’m loving my new schedule and how easy it is to get work outs in. I’ve been doing Body Pump 2-3x week, along with some kind of cardio 45-60min 4-6x/week. Now that the weather is starting to feel less miserable, I’m feeling guilty about not taking the opportunity to run. I’ve decided not to focus on any real time/distance goals since my priority at the moment is weight loss, but I’d like to maintain the level I’m at since it took so long to get there.

A new challenge for a new year… 2 x 6 at 26.

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If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I have no qualms about running with a theme, no matter how gimmicky or pun-ny I have to be. Last year, when I turned 25 I wrote a list of 25 things I wanted to accomplish that year.

Months ago, I started thinking about what project or challenge I could do for 26. I decided against making another list, because honestly I couldn’t think of five new, interesting things I wanted to accomplish this year, much less 26. Combine that with the challenges already scheduled for this year: Passing my comprehensive exam, finding a practicum, graduating, finding a job, moving…?? All things I need to do before my next birthday.

So, rather than make a long list, I’ve decided to challenge myself to work on two new habits every two months (that’s… Six sets of Two habits). Every two months, I will pick one health habit and one life habit that I want to incorporate and work on. By the end of the two months, hopefully these habits will stick.

I’m starting a little late this month, but announcing my first two habits for Aug/Sept….

Healthy Habit: No more nighttime snacking. I wrote about this in my last blog, and like Summer said in the comments.. “I can go all damn day eating well and then when those midnight hunger pangs flare up, suddenly a handful of chips and some yogurt with granola and maybe a slice of leftover pizza seems like the best idea ever. Ugh. Bad.” 

After talking with a lot of people about food habits and weight loss, it seems like nighttime eating is a very specific behavior, and one of the hardest bad food habits to break. I am a night owl, so no food after dinner isn’t always an option. There is a huge difference, however, between a planned snack after the gym and continuous grazing until bedtime. Ideally, I would like to stop eating 3-4 hours before bed since I’m not usually doing much that needs “fueling” during these hours anyway.

Thai Chai and Late-Night Lizzie

Thai Chai and Late-Night Lizzie

For the last few days, I’ve been pretty resolved, and I’ve even shocked myself. Yes, four days without nighttime eating is an accomplishment for me! I’ve been drinking decaf Thai Coconut Chai with milk and stevia when I feel snacky, and the process of making it and drinking it has helped. It is nice to be able to feel good about an entire day, rather than the whole day until I ate all the leftovers at midnight.

Life Habit: Organize my time. I learned the hard way that making general goals doesn’t really work, so specifically this means that I will be using my calendar (Google + Syncing to phone) to schedule everything that actually needs to be done.  Using a calendar and sticking to it will not only help me with school and work, but it will also help to keep self care on my priorities list.

Have you made any goals this month? What are your strategies to keep your time organized? Favorite apps or websites?

Getting back into a different groove…the sweaty, gym kind

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While the fat, lazy and grumpy look totally works for her, it doesn't do so much for me.

While the fat, lazy and grumpy look totally works for her, it doesn't do so much for me.

So, when I got back to school-home after being at home-home for a month and a  half, I felt pretty awful. I mean, yes, part of that was loneliness and being sad to leave my family and home-friends, but what I physically I felt gross.

I initially thought I’d have a gym membership, but that didn’t work out. So I basically went from working out 4-5 times a week, mostly running and Body Pump, to doing… nothing. I think that’s probably the longest exercise vacation I’ve taken since I started exercising (aside from the time I was at Jubilee). I love exercise, and so getting into the gym has never been a problem for me. A few nights I was able to go walk/run, but for the most part I just wasn’t willing to kill myself in 100*/70% humidity weather to get a “Work out” in.

Combine that with birthday celebrations, a trip to the beach, parties and hang outs involving lots of drank, and my bad habit of late night snacking… ugh. At school-home, I never really buy snack foods that I like because I’m too prone to mindlessly overeating them, so even though I still eat too much at night, my selections are limited (Mmm… frozen broccoli).

At home-home, people live there who are NOT snack crazy Cookie Monsters, like me, and so they have stuff like… potato chips and Oreos around. Basically, snack foods are my Kryptonite, and I’m pretty sure I went to bed every night feeling like I had “ruined” a good day of eating with a lot of late night junk food.

I knew that I had gained weight because even my fat jeans were feeling like regular jeans, but I didn’t get on  the scale until after I’d had a week back on schedule to try and do better. Last week, I was 5lbs up. Which is no surprise. I mean, really if someone asked me how to gain weight I would tell them to eat a lot of junk food at night, drink alcohol often and stop working out. 

And no, five pounds is not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination. But when you are trying to lose weight, five pounds is a solid step in the wrong direction. And it is a solid step towards a number, which shall not be spoken, that terrifies me. I’m sure everyone has a weight that they believe “other people” weigh, but that they would never let themselves weigh. Well, for me, that five pounds is just creeping closer to that “Only Other People Weigh This” number, and it really kind of freaked me out.

Feeling better from working out and eating right is always my primary motivator when it comes to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. After a week of working out (5 days at the gym!), eating normally, not drinking … and (3! days) of cutting out the nighttime snacking, I’m feeling so much better, and the scale has gone down.  I  want these actions to become habits that can make weight loss easier, and get me further away from those “Holy Shit”-numbers on the scale.

So, I’m looking for inspiration… have you ever made a lifestyle change into a habit? How? It doesn’t have to be weight/food/whatever related, I just want to know that it is possible!! 

As blog as my witness.. I will take time to make an actual dinner! …One day.

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I’m not sure if we are all experiencing the same astrological down turn or what, but sometimes it seems like there are mental/emotional blogger trends. Or, maybe more likely since I write a personal blog and tend to spend hours a day thinking about myself (research!)… I just notice when people are going through what I’m going through. Lots of break ups lately.. and people realizing they are in a funk.. and the one that might even make a bigger impact on the writing of people mildly interested-to-obsessed with food – lots of people avoiding the kitchen.

I would bet part of this is because of the heat, because who wants to stand around in a hot ass kitchen when you could be laying pantsless in a body of water somewhere? I recently came back to Columbia-home after a month of being home-home, where I actually cooked a lot for my family. But none of it was very adventurous.. I mean, who wants to see pictures of me cooking another stir fry? Show of hands? … Anyone?
Ok, so here I am, back to feeding just myself and wanting to eat nothing but granola bars and yogurt. With good intentions, Monday, I looked for recipes I might want to make, made a shopping list and went to two grocery stores restocking my bare refrigerator. And then.. I was too lazy to cook anything. Instead, I heated up some soup I’d frozen, and decided I would make something the next day.

Instead, yesterday and today I’ve had spinach salad and sandwiches for pretty much every meal, and for those of you following along.. neither of those requires cooking.
So here, in front of the blog world, I’m promising that today I’m actually going to prepare something that doesn’t exclusively involve stacking ingredients on each other. Because (as Melissa said..) I’m worth it!

Ok, serious questions.. How do you find motivation to make real food for yourself? Or does it even matter? Am I the only one who feels guilty eating cereal for dinner more than once a week?

The highlight of Birthday Month: Birthday Week!

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So, if you didn’t catch my very subtle hints on Twitter, yesterday was my birthday! In my mind, I’m staying firmly at 23, but in “human age,” I am 26. Over the hump to 30 and 50. But, I know how hard I roll my eyes when I hear 20 years olds complaining about getting older, so I can only assume that whining about turning 26 is basically the same.

For those of you following along … last year on my birthday I made a list of 25 things that I wanted to accomplish in that year. Unfortunately, some of them aren’t really measurable (Thanks, Grad School, for teaching me how to make better goals), and some of them just didn’t get accomplished (Thanks again, Grad School for distracting me from losing 50lbs!), but in general… I’m really happy that I set those goals. They pushed me outside my comfort zone in some ways, and kept me focused in other ways.

I love using birthdays as a time to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going, but I’m still trying to organize my thoughts into writing. I know that the coming year is going to be insane, but I can’t remember the last time I really knew a year in advance where life was going to lead me.  I know that would drive some people nuts, but it makes me feel like the possibilities are unlimited.

Off the top of my head, my best memories from this year: ZenMama’s birthday in Columbia, New Years Eve, New Orleans, garden time with my Dad, visiting Jubilee, meeting Donald Glover and my ATL trip with Katie, getting to know my HPEB friends, and the beach trip.

Loosely, my hopes for this year: to graduate the MPH program (passing my comps, finding a practicum, and passing all my classes); to do well in my graduate assistant position; to continue working on myself and finding my “groove,”; to act like an adult when necessary (paying bills on time, knowing when to hold my tongue, watching less reality TV); to make self care an ongoing priority especially in times of stress; to keep questioning my opinions and actions so I can give love bigger, better and wastefully.

One of my favorite gifts this year, being examined. All the way from India, via Carlton in DC.

One of my favorite gifts this year, being examined. All the way from India, via Carlton in DC.

Thanks to everyone who has humored me this week, month and the last 26 years, bought me gross birthday drinks, let me watch what I wanted on TV, spoiled me with gifts and sent me happy birthday wishes. It has really been one of my best birthdays, and I feel biiiiig love. Tonight, I celebrate my grandma’s birthday tonight, tomorrow I’m headed to Jubilee for a wedding, then Sunday it is back to my real life in Columbia.

How To: Create your own appreciation month*

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Two plates = more room for cake.

Two plates = more room for cake.

I pride myself in being an only child that isn’t normally spoiled and terrible and bossy. Maybe one at a time, but definitely not the trifecta. But, let’s be honest.. being the only kid at home for most of my life made me very comfortable being the center of attention. Of all the typical only child traits, I think that being a performer is the one that stuck.

Pair that with being born a Leo, and it really only makes sense that I would make the event that normal people celebrate one day a year into an excuse to draw attention to myself for a whole month. I’ve even convinced other people in my life to refer to August as, “Your birthday month,” or, as I would like to rebrand it, “Lizzie Appreciation Month.”

Growing up, my birthday fell before school started, so when I started college I realized that I had a lot of birthday celebrations to make up for. Plus, I think most people are looking for a reason to party in August, so it has really been a win for everyone.

So, if you would like to commandeer a month for your friends and family to celebrate you, but you weren’t naturally born with the instincts to convince others of the benefits of your self absorption.. here are some tips.

  1. Pick a month. For me, it was easy because August is far enough away from the major U.S. holidays that my birthday month isn’t normally disturbed by people celebrating something that doesn’t start with L- and end with -izzie. But maybe you were born in December? Or you share a birthday month with a close friend or family member? Don’t worry.. just pick a different month that works best and declare it yours.
  2. Commit to your month and talk about it, ad nauseam. Don’t hesitate to hijack conversations or events months in advance to let people know what is coming – this is about branding and building anticipation. For example, Friend 1: Oh, the French Fries and Ice Cream Festival is happening next month, let’s go! You: OMG! That’s a great addition to _____ Appreciation Month! Let’s add that to our event calendar! People may roll their eyes at first, but after a while it will become so engrained that they will start viewing all the events in that month as appropriate or not appropriate to celebrate you. [For advanced only: Take it to the next level by congratulating people while also planting your Appreciation Month flag squarely in "their" day. For example: "Congratulations on your 50th wedding anniversary! Your party was so elegant, which made it an exact fit for an event in my appreciation month!"]
  3. Establish your month’s brand with images and phrases. For me, I’ve picked a song (DJ Khaled – I’m on One), a color (aqua), and several adjectives (magnetic! lovable! True story.. I found myself saying the sentence, “Oh it makes sense that they were born in August too, since we are both so magnetic and lovable,” in conversation. With a straight face.
  4. Distance yourself from events not designed to celebrate you. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m just saying feel free to say things like, Wow, this iguana wedding/work webinar/toddler graduation is really rainy/sluggish/chaotic! I bet this would be better if I were in charge of making this event more about me. No need for you to take responsibility for things outside your brand.
  5. Wear something fancy. Not only will it make you feel important, but it will let other people know you’re important too. You don’t need to wear a crown, but maybe a tasteful rhinestone hair piece would be a subtle indication that you are something special.
  6. Smile. Don’t be a Birthdayzilla. I’ve watched enough episodes of Bridezilla to know that if you act like a jerk trying to make sure everyone knows it is “your time,” you may be able to trick one person into loving you, but the rest of your friends and family may call the police on you and they will definitely point out your wedding dress back fat on national television. So, smile. And be nice. And have fun. Your month should be about what you like and why you are awesome. Don’t make it too hard for people to see that part too.
*I take no responsibility for the loss of friends or family that may result in following this advice. I do, however, take all the credit if this experiment results in more presents, excitement, parties, self esteem, sunshine, good hair days, cake eating or dance-a-thons. 

How guilt and hoarding have made me resourceful

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Anyone who knows me really well knows that I am often powered by guilt, honest, but sometimes inexplicable and often self-gratifying guilt. My guilt these last few weeks – letting food go to waste. I try to remember that food in my garden isn’t taking food away from other people, but the thought of squandering pounds of food because there is just too much makes me panic with guilt.
Today, 11 million people could die because of drought and famine in parts of Africa alone – not to mention the millions of hungry people in my state and country. I’m trying to shift from guilt, a relatively useless emotion in terms of action, to mindfulness and gratitude for my land and for my plate. 

I’ve tried finding friends to take stuff, and I even looked for local food banks that might be able to use some of this stuff but their policies didn’t really welcome it.

And so.. here we are. This isn't even everything, these are just all the ones that I could carry in that day.

And so.. here we are. This isn't even everything, these are just all the ones that I could carry in that day. Last year the squash fizzled out early in the season after some hungry animals gobbled up the blossoms... so we may have over compensated slightly this year.

Combined with guilt is the “You might need this one day”- Depression Era hoarding gene I inherited from my grandfather. When we cleaned out his cabinets after he died, we found dozens of boxes of Ziplock bags and sugar. While some people hoard things that are not useful – dirty blankets, used up chapstick containers, cats – the gene I inherited says stuff like “Do NOT throw away 50lbs of squash because you can’t use it today, because in a few months you might need some squash,” in the same way that my grandfather couldn’t pass up a deal on Ziplock bags and sugar because some day he might need them.

So, I’ve made squash in some way or another for every meal, chopped squash to use later in the week to keep in the refrigerator and even made a squash curry soup to freeze for later. And I still have squash everywhere.

Oh look! More squash!

Oh look! More squash!

After doing Google “research,” I realized that squash could be frozen. It isn’t complicated, but it involves a step I’d never thought about. If you have extra squash you want to save, 1) Wash and chop them to the size you want, 2) boil them for 3 minutes, then quickly remove the squash from the hot water and 3) put them into a bowl of ice water. This is called blanching, something I’m sure everyone but me knew about before now. Blanching the squash stops the enzyme that normally causes decay so when you freeze them they will maintain their color and texture.

After squash, I tackled my next nearly useless bumper crop..hot hot hot peppers.

But, after the "I just sliced peppers before putting in my contacts and I feel like someone just maced me"-debacle of a few weeks ago... I wore protection this time.

But, after the "I just sliced peppers before putting in my contacts and I feel like someone just maced me"-debacle of a few weeks ago... I wore protection this time.

I’ve frozen peppers without blanching before with success, so for these I just washed, deseeded and chopped them before bagging.

I still have no idea what to do with these. There is enough hotness in this bag that I thought about pureeing it, putting it in a water gun and using it as pepper spray. But seriously, you could feel the heat in the air in the kitchen as I was cutting them.

I still have no idea what to do with these. There is enough hotness in this bag that I thought about pureeing it, putting it in a water gun and using it as pepper spray. But seriously, you could feel the heat in the air in the kitchen as I was cutting them.

Just as I was beginning to get the squash/pepper situation under control, I went outside to see that a storm had blown over a pear tree. I picked some of the fruit before it could go bad.

A bucket of pears. And also the rain boots that I wear in the garden. Because that's just how I do things.

A bucket of pears. And also the rain boots that I wear in the garden. Because that's just how I do things.

From these, I made our whole house smell like Christmas by making first a batch of Asian Pear preserves (we have several trees of Asian Pears that were ready to be picked) by cooking down cubed, peeled pears, sugar, lemon, ginger and a little cinnamon. Next I took another 20ish pears, peeled and finely chopped them and cooked them down with cinnamon, sugar, cloves and ginger to make pear butter. I don’t have a recipe for any of those because I just used the “little of this and a little of that” method, and cooked them until they were the right consistency. Because I’m still terrified of actually canning, these have to be refrigerated and consumed in a reasonable amount of time.

I kind of love glass jars.

I kind of love glass jars.

In other garden news… the bell peppers are finally starting to turn sweet, we have one little watermelon hanging on for dear life in the 100* weather, the tomatoes are pretty much finished, a dozen butternut squash (probably my favorite food) are starting to turn, and yesterday I picked one single fig off our some forgotten fig bushes. Heaven for me.

Peppers, peppers, more peppers.

Peppers, peppers, more peppers.

At the risk of you thinking my extended blog absence has been spent entirely in the garden and in the kitchen.. I actually just got back from a few days at the beach with these wackadoos:

That's my happy face.

That's my happy face.

Any ideas for how to use hot peppers? Or squash? Or basil? Or pears? I’m open to suggestion! 

Lost and Found: Getting myself back

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The moment I realized I wasn’t “myself” felt like an out of body experience. Like the ghost of ZenLizzie past was paying me a visit and didn’t even recognize the person she saw – a frumpy, tired hermit. Even my yoga pants, clearly a uniform of giving up, were ragged.

Who is this girl? Even her cat disapproves.

Who is this girl? Even her cat disapproves.

In trying to explain this situation to people, I’ve come up with two superficial but relatable experiences. The first: You begin shaving your legs, but after the first one you just think, “What’s the point?” and skip the other.

The second: It is like the in-between phase when you are growing out your hair, when you just accept that your hair is going to look terrible for six+ months so you throw it in a ponytail. And a year later, you only vaguely remember being a person who didn’t wear a ponytail every day.

When I say I’ve “lost my groove,” I mean even though I’ve had great things happen in the last four years, and even though I’ve accomplished things I’m proud of… the fun, confident, social part of my personality just became a shrug.

A SHRUG! Life should never be a shrug. 

I think I started losing myself during the transition from carefree undergrad to being a semi-grown up working full time in a very serious relationship. I loved those things and wouldn’t change them, but I didn’t really take the time to grow into them. Even saying transition is a stretch – it literally took two weeks for me to get a job, fall into a big, serious love and move away from all my friends and family.

And for two years, that’s where I was. I had a hard time making “hang out” friends in Florence, and I spent most of my time off with my long-distance boyfriend. It started to feel like I only needed to be fun or cute it relation to major events or seeing him every few weeks. The rest of the time didn’t matter, because it was just me, right? Wrong. Of everyone in your life, you should be fun and cute for yourself because nobody wants to spend time with an unfun frumpster, and you have to be with you all the time.

About the time that I started this blog, my life changed big time. I quit my job. I volunteered. I started grad school. We broke up and got back together and moved in together, repeat ad nauseum. In the last four years, I have moved six times. Many of my college friends have moved away, or worse – gotten married (jk!). Despite my efforts, I’m still not in the same shape I was four years ago. A combination of being both too comfortable and too uncomfortable with how I looked just made it easier not to try.

I give these as examples, not excuses. The moment when I realized that I missed myself was important. I don’t want to live life as a shrug anymore, and I devised a three-part plan to find the me that I liked the best:

  1. Try. Every day. Put on some mascara. Stop wearing yoga pants instead of real pants. Find clothes that are flattering and make me feel good and wear them, not just for someone else or special events but for me, because I’m special enough even if nobody else is looking. I don’t mean I want to be more vain or replace my interest in real things with frivolous things. But… damn, girl, it won’t kill you to put on some pants without an elastic band.
  2. Go. Stop turning down invitations to hang out or flaking out just because it seems easier to stay home. I love hanging out. I love my friends and my family, and strangers and parties and events – those things recharge me.
  3. Work on it. And work hard. Instead of waiting for some magical day to come when things change (Surprise! It won’t!), I will work for the changes that I want because no matter what else is happening, I’m still stuck with me and if everything falls apart, I’d rather be stuck with someone I actually like.

So, that’s where I am now. I’ve found that even after a couple weeks of trying, going, and working on it, I’m starting to feel more like someone I actually want to spend time with.

I’m open to suggestions or sympathy! Have you ever lost your groove, and if so, how did you get it back?