The moment I realized I wasn’t “myself” felt like an out of body experience. Like the ghost of ZenLizzie past was paying me a visit and didn’t even recognize the person she saw – a frumpy, tired hermit. Even my yoga pants, clearly a uniform of giving up, were ragged.
Who is this girl? Even her cat disapproves.
In trying to explain this situation to people, I’ve come up with two superficial but relatable experiences. The first: You begin shaving your legs, but after the first one you just think, “What’s the point?” and skip the other.
The second: It is like the in-between phase when you are growing out your hair, when you just accept that your hair is going to look terrible for six+ months so you throw it in a ponytail. And a year later, you only vaguely remember being a person who didn’t wear a ponytail every day.
When I say I’ve “lost my groove,” I mean even though I’ve had great things happen in the last four years, and even though I’ve accomplished things I’m proud of… the fun, confident, social part of my personality just became a shrug.
A SHRUG! Life should never be a shrug.
I think I started losing myself during the transition from carefree undergrad to being a semi-grown up working full time in a very serious relationship. I loved those things and wouldn’t change them, but I didn’t really take the time to grow into them. Even saying transition is a stretch – it literally took two weeks for me to get a job, fall into a big, serious love and move away from all my friends and family.
And for two years, that’s where I was. I had a hard time making “hang out” friends in Florence, and I spent most of my time off with my long-distance boyfriend. It started to feel like I only needed to be fun or cute it relation to major events or seeing him every few weeks. The rest of the time didn’t matter, because it was just me, right? Wrong. Of everyone in your life, you should be fun and cute for yourself because nobody wants to spend time with an unfun frumpster, and you have to be with you all the time.
About the time that I started this blog, my life changed big time. I quit my job. I volunteered. I started grad school. We broke up and got back together and moved in together, repeat ad nauseum. In the last four years, I have moved six times. Many of my college friends have moved away, or worse – gotten married (jk!). Despite my efforts, I’m still not in the same shape I was four years ago. A combination of being both too comfortable and too uncomfortable with how I looked just made it easier not to try.
I give these as examples, not excuses. The moment when I realized that I missed myself was important. I don’t want to live life as a shrug anymore, and I devised a three-part plan to find the me that I liked the best:
- Try. Every day. Put on some mascara. Stop wearing yoga pants instead of real pants. Find clothes that are flattering and make me feel good and wear them, not just for someone else or special events but for me, because I’m special enough even if nobody else is looking. I don’t mean I want to be more vain or replace my interest in real things with frivolous things. But… damn, girl, it won’t kill you to put on some pants without an elastic band.
- Go. Stop turning down invitations to hang out or flaking out just because it seems easier to stay home. I love hanging out. I love my friends and my family, and strangers and parties and events – those things recharge me.
- Work on it. And work hard. Instead of waiting for some magical day to come when things change (Surprise! It won’t!), I will work for the changes that I want because no matter what else is happening, I’m still stuck with me and if everything falls apart, I’d rather be stuck with someone I actually like.
So, that’s where I am now. I’ve found that even after a couple weeks of trying, going, and working on it, I’m starting to feel more like someone I actually want to spend time with.
I’m open to suggestions or sympathy! Have you ever lost your groove, and if so, how did you get it back?
Thank you so much for writing this post! I’m in the same boat and you’ve put words to how I’ve been feeling. It’s nice to not feel like you’re the only one and I really appreciate your strategies to get on with it!
Lizzie’s gettin her groooove back!
I know what it’s like to lose yourself in a relationship. I’m dealing with that now. One day I noticed that I don’t have friends anymore! They moved away, or got married (gahhh), or had babies (gahhhhhhhh), and here I am hanging out with Kohy every damn day and not knowing what to do when he isn’t around. I started going out again even though it really is easier to stay home, especially when the hang out place for the evening is soooo faaaar. I’m trying. So I can relate.
I’m still trying to get me back. Thus all the new FB pics. lol New hair; new eyes; new – non-elastic – wardrobe; new, not really improved (as I’ve always been there, just hiding) Jamie is emerging. Good luck to you on the same journey, even though you’ve just done the hardest part… admitting you’re worth the effort. We all knew you were all along though.
AMEN sista! I’m right there with you. I’ve lost my groove before and I find myself searching for it once again, and this time my comfy pants are event too tight! The older you get the harder it gets, it seems.
The hardest part is getting started. I think the fact that you made a plan for yourself says a lot! It’s something I need to do.
Discovering the person you like is huge. Right now I’m trying to figure out what I like and what truly makes me happy; trying to figure out who I am. Definitely a journey in and of itself.
Good luck and keep on the path that you’re on. You’ll find your groove up ahead soon, and it will probably be even groovier than before!
ally
Oh I was there at one point. Believe me. I was 21, in a terrible relationship, insecure, and completely terrified of everything. I remember going to Starbucks one day and trying to study and that being too much for me. I couldn’t even handle being there. It was a weird moment in my life, and one that I will never forget. So what did I do? I moved. I shaved my head. I broke up with my awful awful awful boyfriend. I dropped out of college. I went back to college. I gained ten pounds. I lost twenty pounds. I shaved my head again.
It was NOT pretty. None of it. But I came out the other side. And am who I am today because of what I went through then. I’m stronger. I know I can get through pretty much anything. And you will too Lizzie. You will too.
Liz
I’m in the EXACT same place. I’ve been forcing myself not to wear jeans to work, to put on makeup, to try to go out at least once on the weekend. I never regret going out, but am always bored staying in so I just try to keep that in mind. Even if it’s just going to Whole Foods, eating a salad outside and reading for a few hours, I feel like I’m amongst the people and doing SOMETHING. That’s my advice, take off the sweatpants and go read somewhere when you’re bored.
Get out of my head! WOW! I know exactly where you are coming from. Last night I got a text from a friend about meeting for dinner and I ignored the message. Not because I didn’t want to go, I knew I would have fun. I am going print out and tape your #2 to my mirror! “Go. Stop turning down invitations to hang out or flaking out just because it seems easier to stay home. I love hanging out. I love my friends and my family, and strangers and parties and events – those things recharge me.”
THANK YOU!
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I’m in the same social boat. I do turn down (or ignore) invites out because it’s easier to stay home. I breathe a sigh of relief when I pull into my driveway and know that there’s nothing standing between me and a long evening of internet and frozen yogurt. The times that I do go out, I have about an hour’s worth of comfort zone before I start to get edgy and come up with excuses for why I need to leave. That, or I’m legitimately bored from the get-go and spend the time regretting the fact I bothered to come out anyway.
In my case, I think my problem is that I’m just tired of the same old bars with the same old people who play pool (see my most recent blog post) every damn night. When I can actually get out and do something different, I usually enjoy myself. What I need to do is make more of an effort to branch out and do these different things more often. But then I remember how broke I am and it basically just cycles back around into the whole “well, I don’t have any money anyway and it’s so much easier to just stay at home, so I guess I’ll just hit up Kroger for some cheap ice cream and make a night of it.”
I’m lame.
BUY SOME NEW SHOES!!! Lots of them.
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