How I spent May. Beer and Burgers.
So, talking about feelings isn’t really my strong suit. Laughing about feelings. Snarking about feelings. Repressing feelings… those are all things that I’m great at. I’ve struggled in finding the words to write about weight loss (and gain) because, for me, it involves a lot of feelings. For one, weight loss is important to me, but it is difficult. I hate admitting when things are hard for me. And in the last few months, I’ve even gained a little weight (Thanks, grad school and pizza delivery!).
It is not healthy for me. Even though I can run three miles and eat all my vegetable servings, my body is not its best when it is so heavy. That is an objective fact.
My main struggle lately deals with shame vs. self esteem related to weight. Even in the blogger-world, you see both spectrums. One side saying, “Omg! I hate myself for eating all those cupcakes. It reminded me of how I used to be when I was such a horrible fatty!” and the other side saying, “I’m perfect just how I am. I’m beautiful! You’re beautiful! We’re all so beautiful! Weeee! Let’s eat all the cupcakes!”
Don’t get me wrong, there are also plenty of people in between, people who have a healthy balance of honesty about their flaws but also self esteem to keep them from hating their bodies. Culturally, I think it is acceptable or even encouraged for overweight people to hate their bodies and, consequently, themselves. The message is that you must hate your body so that you can change it into something more desirable. You see this everywhere from weight loss reality shows to celebrities hawking diet products.
When is the last time you read about a successful weight loss story that started with someone saying, “Yes, I really loved myself just the way I was. I didn’t want to change anything. And then I lost 100lbs”? It never happens. But in reality shame doesn’t promote healthy living. Shame doesn’t make people take care of themselves in the long term. Shame isn’t what gets me to the gym. So where is the balance? How can you detest your body and also love it enough to treat it well? You can’t. Hating your body makes you treat it like something that isn’t worth much.
Lately I’ve felt like I was pulled in two directions. The classic “You are fat and therefore weak, terrible, and gross,”-side that I’ve been fighting since I was little has been facing off against my smarter, kinder adult side that says, “You are a good person, and you deserve to be healthy and treat yourself well.” In the end, both sides want the same thing, but constantly fluctuating between the two means that neither side really wins. Each message gets twisted into something more like, “You are gross and weak, but if you stop eating so much pizza you will deserve to be healthy.”
It is demented. I would never tell someone that, and I would never believe that about someone else. So why do I believe it about myself? I’m not big on “rah-rah” body image stuff because I think it ignores the complexity of the issue. You can’t just tell someone who feels ugly that they are beautiful and change their opinion. That is just an emotional band-aid. But what can you do? What can I do so that I start behaving the way that someone who really cares about their body would?
My general game plan is to fake it ’til I make it. Act like someone who values their body and their health until I actually do. I’m not sure this is the best way, but it is the only way I really know how. I do care about my body, and I want the kind, adult side to win out so that one day I can be healthy physically and mentally.
So, I’m opening this to discussion. How much can you dislike your body without it being detrimental to your overall well being? How do you like yourself even if you don’t like where you body is or some of the decisions that you’ve made? Or you can just share any words of wisdom 
Fantastic post. I’m struggling with these issue as well.
Good luck.
The Grumpy Man
I’m in the same boat as you. One day, I look at myself and am absolutely disgusted with what I’ve done to myself. Then, the next day, I tell myself that I’m worth it to change and gain self-acceptance. We’re human. We’re always going to have ups and downs when it comes to how we feel about ourselves. Anyone who says they always love their body or who they are is a liar (or in denial). I think the main thing to remember, for those of us looking to lose weight anyway, is that it’s okay to feel all those mixed emotions. If we didn’t feel guilt or shame, then we wouldn’t need to feel proud or a sense of achievement when we chose to eat fruit over cake & ice cream. The key, for me, is to not dwell on the negative. Sure, I’ll hate what I did to my body today, but when I wake up tomorrow, it’s a whole new day. I’ve got a clean slate to start all over. That seems to help me get back on track if I’ve had a bad day, week, month.
Such a fantastic post! I don’t think your weight matters when it comes to feeling this way. You can abuse your body at any size. I think a lot of people who seem just fine with their bodies are putting up a front. I blame the media for the unrealistic expectations it puts on weight and physique.
It’s incredibly difficult to put aside our own negative feelings about our bodies (those feelings that get amplified to the nth degree with everything we see in the media, ugh) and focus on seeing our bodies as something worthwhile. I think it helps to remind yourself of the good things your body does for you (and that it does because YOU, Lizzie, have taught it and persevered–the running, the exercising!) when the negative thoughts arise.
I know it’s not easy, but I know you’ll get through those bad patches!
I wish I had some superstar advice for you. Body hate is such a powerful thing, and it definitely isn’t something that you can turn off just because someone else tells you to loveyourselfnomatterwhatyouarebeautiful! I don’t think that you need to totally “fake it” because you already do things to take care of your body. Maybe it’s just a matter of focusing on those positive things and shifting your thoughts to that when you start to feel negatively about yourself. Super easy right?!
Seriously though, I’ve started writing (non-blog writing) about certain aspects of my life that I’m not happy with and it’s helped a lot. I like that I can go back and read what I wrote from a semi-objective perspective. Maybe I’ll start a feely-feelings blog. Or maybe I’ll save it for my autobiography.
I think that since women of any size & shape can hate their bodies for one reason or another, the problems are caused by hating something to the point of giving up on ever trying to improve. Pride in ourselves can come from working toward some sort of improvement, not just physical, so believing you need to work on some part of yourself to become better in some way isn’t always bad. Sometimes disliking something about yourself can be a great motivator to change, but when it goes beyond motivation & moves into self-destructive behavior, it becomes a problem. I’m not sure how to get back once you’ve crossed that line, but I know it’s there because I’ve crossed it. Does that make any sense to anyone else?
Great post! Quick question: Was that picture from Pawley’s Front Porch? They have a-m-a-z-i-n-g sweet potato fries!!
I go back and forth on my body. I constantly stand up straight when I’m in the mirror so I can hide my belly. I even try to stand upright at all times and not slump or slouch. Each time I might look in the mirror, I’m conversely noticing some new definition while seeing stretch marks/flab/a scary side profile of my chest. When I don’t work out, I just feel bad thinking that I wasted an opportunity to improve my body or my fitness. I used to be 40 pounds heavier, so what motivates me (staying fit, improving my body) is the same thing that I fight with (I’m not doing enough, I’m going to get man boobs and diabetes)! Hell, at this very moment, I’m eating a Lean Cuisine pasta thing (that’s healthy) while sucking down a Sam Adams Summer Ale (wait, what?). In my mind, this balances out somehow.
I don’t have many friends that enjoy working out + running + physical activity as much as I do, so I guess it’s good that I’m pretty self-motivated when it comes to this stuff. But I think it’s healthy to see room for improvement, no matter where we may be in how we see our body. I believe that it’s the only way we can improve. I also think it’s important to look at yourself from time to time and say, “Damn, I’m a sexy motherfucker.” (do not excuse my French) We are who we are, no matter how much muscle/flab/ab/stretch marks we may see or get rid of or cover up. I think you have to love yourself in order to want to, and eventually, actually improve.
Great post! I go through this almost daily. It is tough. And being in grad school and trying to be healthy is tough. I know lots of people do it, but when you struggle with managing your time, it can be difficult to find time for cooking/preparing healthy food and doing school work.
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Amazing Post. Sadly I believe it’s true that many people struggle with these thoughts and feelings about themselves/their bodies, etc. of course for many different reasons. I struggle with this all of the time, have for many years, and I’m praying that along this journey of mine there will come a day, some day, that I’ll look in that mirror, and love the person I see looking back at me, inside and out. It’s hard to tell yourself that you are beautiful, that you are strong, that you deserve to be healthy, and happy, or that it’s okay to love yourself just the way you are when society tells you different, or other people feel the need to bring you down…..which results in you bringing yourself further down than you were before. Trying to find and focus on the positive, no matter how big or small it may be!
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