I brought my frustrations and my confessions to my dietitian appointment in the form of four pages of food logs printed in red ink. In my defense, my printer is out of black, but I don’t think the red really helped my, “I’m not crazy, I promise,”- stance. (Side note, sane people probably do not have to defend their sanity so much.)

So, I printed out two days of “average” eating (Good), one day of stressful-school eating (Good, good, bad) and one day of stressful-life eating (Bad, bad, bad). I also wrote some notes about things I thought I had done well since the last time (more fruits and more variety during the week) and some things I had concerns about (staying in my caloric range, stress eating).

The last time I went, life was a lot less stressful and my eating/exercising was where I was really happy with it. This time, I feel good about my choices about 4 days a week. The three other days USUALLY only contain one meal that really throws me off, but some of those meals are like 1100-calorie fast food if I’m stressed and driving long distances.

My attitudes fluctuate from, ”I can’t eat/buy this because x, y, z,” on regular days to “Who gives a crap?” on stressful days. So, our conversations were like this:

Me: It is hard for me to stay under 1500 calories most days, even if I’m not working out.
Her: Well, maybe you could try 1700.
Me: But I’m not losing weight at 1500! (exclamation point for nervous quiet-shrieking, not yelling.)
Her: But you`re not eating 1500 calories. You`re eating 2,100, 2000. (Pointing to my sheet.)

Or..

Her: You`re not eating enough in the morning. You only had yogurt this day.
Me: Well, the only way I can stay under my caloric range is to eat less when I know I’m not going to be stressed. I know it isn’t logical! I know it isn’t the right thing to do.

Which resulted in this conversation…

Her: You`re not getting enough starches.
Me: I’m kind of afraid of those foods. The ones that are low calorie don’t have ingredients that I like and the ones that have ingredients that I feel good about are really high in calories. So I just don’t buy them.
Her: Maybe you`re focusing too much on the calorie count. Maybe you should start thinking more about the servings and less about the calories so you can eat food with real ingredients.
Me: But I will never, ever be able to not count calories.

I would like to pull this train all the way into Crazytown with this excerpt from the 2001 made-for-TV movie, “Life with Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows.”: Yes I’ve heard how difficult it is to work with Judy Garland. Do you know how difficult it is to BE Judy Garland? I’ve been trying to be Judy Garland all my life!

I didn’t actually see the show, but I’ve always remembered this quote from the commercials, and I feel like if you replace “Judy Garland” with my name then it really explains how I feel most of the time when dealing with people. I know that I can be a hard person to deal with sometimes, but multiply that by 10 and that is how I feel having to have these same types of conversations with myself all day, everyday.

In summary, my eating rules are as follows: eat mostly whole foods + dairy, eat a lot of vegetables and some fruit, healthy fats. Limit processed foods, especially carbs. No sugary drinks.

My eating rules when I’m stressed and trapped in my apartment writing papers about health behavior theories and models: Today sucks, and the only thing that can make today better while I’m stuck writing this paper is fried rice.

I guess the problem with my appointment is that I only want to plan for things going well. I don’t want a plan that takes reality into account. She suggested that I make an appointment for biofeedback at the counseling center on campus. I wasn’t sure what this was, but according to their web site, it is a “technique in which people are taught to improve their health and performance by monitoring biological signals produced by the body.” They hook me up to a heart rate monitor and  then lead me through relaxation techniques.

She also, kind of, suggested that I go back to counseling. I went when I was an undergrad (the only time in my life I could afford therapy since it is free), but the person I saw isn’t here anymore and I don’t feel like “getting into it” with a new person. We’ll see.

Anyway, in general life news, I am actually feeling better. I guess the weekend has that effect on people. I’m going to watch the S. Carolina/Alabama game today, but I want to get a short run in first. Go Gamecocks!!